Monday, February 12, 2007

Jesus has moved HERE

Thursday, January 25, 2007


Hi! My name is Jesus. I have spent a little time walking through the desert, as I sometimes do, and now I am back and ready to start blogging again. (Man, I missed showers and food that had less than 6 legs!)

Right - straight to business. I received the following question from Dori, on behalf of her friend Stefan:

If you fall out of a boat, do you hit your head on the water?

I don't hit my head on water as water isn't hard. My head just bounces right off. It feels like when you're jumping in a bouncy castle and hit your hit on the soft bouncy material. Except wet. And you don't have the risk of some arsehole stepping on your face or kicking you in the butt.


Sunday, October 22, 2006

Jesus Cooks With Gordon Ramsay
Hi! My name is Jesus.
Most people think that all I do is save people from their sins and that I am most well known for being the Son of God. What most people don't actually know is that I am quite a keen cook and I love nothing more than getting into the kitchen and whipping up something tasty.
Much of my life has been associated with food and drink: turning water into wine, feeding 5,000 and for throwing the most memorable supper in the history of mankind.
Today I was joined by renowned celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsay, who was keen to show me some of his recipes. However, all did not go as planned. See the snapshots below.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Simon Asked Me How My Hairstyle Has Changed Through The Years

Here I am in the 60s. My style really caught on. Peace. Free love. Lots and lots of drugs. Man, I miss the 60s. You know, a lot of people imitated my look and I pretty much didn't have to do anything to my hair in order to blend in. Nice.

Now the 70s were something else. I decided to get a perm, but as you can see it went a bit wrong and I ended up with a really wild looking 'fro. Not that I am complaining. It worked for the 70s and Disco and all that. I even showed a little chest foliage.

Everyone had big hair in the 80s and i was an absolute slave to fashion. Copied the George Michael look. Bad move. I ended up looking like a gay hairdresser.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Nothing Cooking but Cosmic Antacids

My apologies to my readers, but sadly, I did not make it into the kitchen yesterday. I was tending to the sick. Well, I was tending to myself, because I was sick.

I will indeed be in form next Sunday so please do log on for that.

The questions have been rolling in and I will be getting around to answering them this evening and through to Thursday, so please keep an eye out. I will email you once your question is answered.

Please, in future, do not put your questions in the comment box, but email them to me on Fridays.

Thank you.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

So Many Questions!

I would like to thank you all for your fascinating questions and I hope to get round to answering them all soon. I think in the light of things, I will need to schedule these answers so, what I have decided is that if you would like to ask me a question, email them to me on Fridays. ONLY Fridays. The address?

I will then answer the questions in posts from Monday to Thursday. I am Jewish so I rest on Friday and Saturday. Sunday will be a new feature: Cooking With Jesus, in which I will share my favourite recipes as well as those of other deities.

Thank you.


Monday, October 09, 2006

Chris has asked: "Jesus, I've been wondering, with all the tropical drinks you're knowcking back, not to mention the water into wine thing, do you ever get hungover? What do you do about it? I'm a bit hungover at the moment and could use some divine guidance."

Aaah. The hangover. Old JC over here is very familiar with that. This one time, I had a dinner party for some friends and got completely plastered. My old buddy Judas, who was just as drunk, thought it would be funny to sell me off to a bunch of Romans. I was not laughing the next day, I tell you that. That one night of drinking has dogged me the last 2000 years!

Now, assuming you don't have access to a rare star flower that grows only at full moon on the planet Zetron, you'll have to try some of these:

1. Prepare before you go out. Eat something, drink some water.

2. While drinking your booze, alternate with water.

3. If you are silly enough to get bladdered without following points one or two, you can always slosh down a big glass of water when you get home.

4. While some recommend another dose of alcohol the next day, it is generally not advised. Your body needs to get rid of toxins, not add to them.

5. Eat a good hearty breakfast. This should restore your blood sugar levels.

6. Drink loads of water throughout the day.

7. I find that Ibuprofen really nails a hangover headache. Take this with some food, though. The indigestion can be a bitch.

8. Eat bananas. They are rich in potassium which in some way has a positive effect. I am the Son of God, not a scientist! And they taste nice.