Sunday, October 22, 2006

Jesus Cooks With Gordon Ramsay
Hi! My name is Jesus.
Most people think that all I do is save people from their sins and that I am most well known for being the Son of God. What most people don't actually know is that I am quite a keen cook and I love nothing more than getting into the kitchen and whipping up something tasty.
Much of my life has been associated with food and drink: turning water into wine, feeding 5,000 and for throwing the most memorable supper in the history of mankind.
Today I was joined by renowned celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsay, who was keen to show me some of his recipes. However, all did not go as planned. See the snapshots below.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Simon Asked Me How My Hairstyle Has Changed Through The Years

Here I am in the 60s. My style really caught on. Peace. Free love. Lots and lots of drugs. Man, I miss the 60s. You know, a lot of people imitated my look and I pretty much didn't have to do anything to my hair in order to blend in. Nice.

Now the 70s were something else. I decided to get a perm, but as you can see it went a bit wrong and I ended up with a really wild looking 'fro. Not that I am complaining. It worked for the 70s and Disco and all that. I even showed a little chest foliage.

Everyone had big hair in the 80s and i was an absolute slave to fashion. Copied the George Michael look. Bad move. I ended up looking like a gay hairdresser.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Nothing Cooking but Cosmic Antacids

My apologies to my readers, but sadly, I did not make it into the kitchen yesterday. I was tending to the sick. Well, I was tending to myself, because I was sick.

I will indeed be in form next Sunday so please do log on for that.

The questions have been rolling in and I will be getting around to answering them this evening and through to Thursday, so please keep an eye out. I will email you once your question is answered.

Please, in future, do not put your questions in the comment box, but email them to me on Fridays.

Thank you.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

So Many Questions!

I would like to thank you all for your fascinating questions and I hope to get round to answering them all soon. I think in the light of things, I will need to schedule these answers so, what I have decided is that if you would like to ask me a question, email them to me on Fridays. ONLY Fridays. The address?

I will then answer the questions in posts from Monday to Thursday. I am Jewish so I rest on Friday and Saturday. Sunday will be a new feature: Cooking With Jesus, in which I will share my favourite recipes as well as those of other deities.

Thank you.


Monday, October 09, 2006

Chris has asked: "Jesus, I've been wondering, with all the tropical drinks you're knowcking back, not to mention the water into wine thing, do you ever get hungover? What do you do about it? I'm a bit hungover at the moment and could use some divine guidance."

Aaah. The hangover. Old JC over here is very familiar with that. This one time, I had a dinner party for some friends and got completely plastered. My old buddy Judas, who was just as drunk, thought it would be funny to sell me off to a bunch of Romans. I was not laughing the next day, I tell you that. That one night of drinking has dogged me the last 2000 years!

Now, assuming you don't have access to a rare star flower that grows only at full moon on the planet Zetron, you'll have to try some of these:

1. Prepare before you go out. Eat something, drink some water.

2. While drinking your booze, alternate with water.

3. If you are silly enough to get bladdered without following points one or two, you can always slosh down a big glass of water when you get home.

4. While some recommend another dose of alcohol the next day, it is generally not advised. Your body needs to get rid of toxins, not add to them.

5. Eat a good hearty breakfast. This should restore your blood sugar levels.

6. Drink loads of water throughout the day.

7. I find that Ibuprofen really nails a hangover headache. Take this with some food, though. The indigestion can be a bitch.

8. Eat bananas. They are rich in potassium which in some way has a positive effect. I am the Son of God, not a scientist! And they taste nice.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

A Shade of Red asked:
"Who is really King, you or Elvis? "

Well, as you can see, The King and I are really good pals. We are both kings. I am King of Kings (sorry Jah) and he isThe King. He even has his own church just like I do! Check it out HERE. Although, I have to say, they have taken my own name in vain, but that's people for you.

I am not the only king. Jah Rastafari proclaimed himself King of Kings as well, but I really don't mind him getting in on the whole Messiah gig. It's nice that there's more than one of us around. In fact, Elvis, Jah and I get together once in a while and hang out and smoke a few joints

Here's a picture of the three of us on a singalong, where we decided to write our own words to the popular carol, We Three Kings. If you want to sing along, here are the words:

We three kings are gloriously high
Elvis, Jesus and Jah Rastafari
We don't give a smidgeon about religion
Following yonder star

Admittedly, we did have a lot to smoke the night we wrote those lyrics.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

From time to time, people ask me stuff and I got a long list from my pal Sime today, so I'll try to answer these as best I can:

What would Jesus do if he saw a drug deal going down outside his local church?
Actually, I stay away from churches. It's the stench of hypocrisy I can't stand. So, realistically, I wouldn't see a drug deal go down outside my local church because I don't hang around churches.

What would Jesus do if he ran out of ketchup?
You're talking to the man who turned water into wine, here! I'd need vinegar if I wanted to get some instant ketchup. Failing all that, I just have to go down to Tesco's like everyone else.

What would Jesus do if he was offered a place on Big Brother?
I'd take the spot, though I will most likely get kicked out after the first week because the viewers may feel I come across as an arrogant pratt who thinks he's God's gift to the world.

What would Jesus do if he was offered crack?
Funny story, actually. Drug dealer offered me some in exchange for being spared arrest and a life in prison. Gave it a go. Not the rush I was expecting, then again, it takes a lot to move me.

What would Jesus do if the lights changed from Green to Amber as he approached them in a car doing slightly over the speed limit?
I am the Son of God. I would change the lights back to green.

What would Jesus do if he had to choose between melon or pineapple?
I would choose pineapple. You can do so much more with pineapple. Like stick pieces of it on toothpicks with cheese and a cocktail gherkin. And sometimes I get drinks served to me in pineapples while I am on my holidays. In the picture above, you will see I have a drink in a coconut. Which is not as versatile as a pineapple.

Vital statistics

Name: Jesus

Strengths: Son of God, raising the dead, walking on water, curing illness and I am fantastic to have at parties

Weaknesses: None.

Hobbies: I like to spend time with my buddies - I have 12 awesome mates that hang around. We go fishing. I like to shoot a few hoops now and again and chill out once a year on vacation in the Bahamas. I enjoy listening to jazz, New Age music, ska, reggae and the occasional metal band. Used to play in one, you know. In between saving people, I like to read a really good book. At the moment, I am enjoying the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

Peace out.